I’ve been strong for too long. I think it’s about time to take this mask off.
Today, I have decided to embrace my weakness and face my fear.
I wanted to talk about it. I wanted to scream. I wanted to yell. I wanted to shout about it. But all I could do was whisper “I’m fine.”
This post is a confession, no, it’s more like an admission to you and most especially to MYSELF.
Today, I have finally admitted to myself that I’m suffering from depression and that I need help.
I’ve been in a constant battle with myself. I argue with my subconscious that this is not a mental illness. The argument inside me is tough but I am good at hiding my feelings. Yet, lately, I find myself becoming more and more restless. The demons become stronger and I’m afraid I can no longer fight it alone.
So, what took me so long to admit it?
That, too, is a question I’ve been wanting to be answered. I’m confused how an optimistic, brave and strong person like me fall into depression. I want to know how I am laughing but feeling empty at the same time. And it hit me.
Depression is more than just being sad. It has no face.
What made me think that this is depression?
I just realized that I’ve been wearing this mask for too long. I noticed that no matter how I try to be positive, I end up thinking about death at night; no matter how I laugh so hard, I feel like crying after; no matter how I tell myself I am strong, I feel self-pity in front of the mirror; no matter how I act fine, my subconscious slaps me when I’m alone.
I guess, the positive outlook that I share on this blog, on Facebook and even towards other people, is ME acting positive and strong even when I’m dying and crying inside. I guess it’s one of the masks that I put on.
It took me a while to admit it because of these three reasons:
First, I’m denying it. I can’t accept the fact that I’m a victim of this illness. I mean, how come? If you look back through my old post, there is never a sign of me falling into this trap. As much as possible, I stay away from negative things, feeding my soul only positive vibes.
Second, and I think the main reason, I AM TOO ASHAMED. I am too ashamed to admit even to myself that I am mentally sick. I am too ashamed to admit that I am weak and that my optimism is not enough to shield me from this.
The third reason, I am scared. I am afraid people will misunderstand and think I’m in my ‘drama-mode’ to get their attention. I am scared to know that the people whom I expect to care, won’t. I am scared to no one will save me or at least be there as I save myself.
Today, I have decided to embrace my weakness and face my fear.
Because I have no plans on staying in this dark pit forever. Today, I have decided to let my weakness be known so I know where to start defeating it. Today, I have decided to face my fears and aim to be stronger than them. Today, I have decided to show everyone my mask and hope someone out there would help take it off.
Today, I have decided to embrace the fact that I am a victim because I want to start the healing process. I believe, acceptance is where I should start.
It’s not my intention to drag people down to the darkness I am in, no, I’m not that kind of a person. This is also the reason why I changed the name of the blog THOUGHT DIARY. Because I want this blog to be a diary, a journal, a witness on how I overcome this sickness. This is the first time I open up this topic, this is my first confession.
I know I am one step to healing. Next step, is to tell my husband and my family. There’s no telling how they would accept it, but I’m preparing myself for anything.
Pray me courage!